Chapter 29: Well, that was easy...

"Aladdin" called the next day. Points for "Aladdin"! (Remember that "day after" phone call, guys. You don't realize how much that says to us, about you, your character, morales, upbringing, and more!) We both knew that we met at a rather inconvenient time, as he was going to be traveling for work for the next several weeks and I was going on two trips over the next two weekends. But we vowed to keep in touch and hopefully be able to sync up our schedules some time within the next three weeks or so. I liked that; that we had established that up front. Now I could go the next three weeks and not hear a word from him, and I wouldn't think twice about it! No obsessive internet-stalking sessions wondering if he's home, will he call, why is he signing onto Match but not saying anything to me? (Internet-stalking is one of my favorite pasttimes, by the way...) No, I could relax. "Aladdin" said it would be three weeks, and I figure I'd give my brain a good month before I started obsessing over it.

And when I got home that night, I called "Shrek" to check in on how he was feeling. He was doing better, although not quite ready to go back to work. Again, I asked him if he needed anything, or wanted me to come over. Again, he said he just wanted to be alone. So I jokingly asked him if he was going to miss me since I'd be away for the next two weekends in a row.

Considering I was attempting to stay light and breezy with him, this elicited a response that got him very serious very quick. He began stuttering and hesitating, trying to find the words to say. Finally he expressed that he was concerned - concerned that I was more "into" this relationship than he was. Apparently I had attempted to be too close to him by offering to care for him while he was laid up. And the fact that I asked him if he was going to "miss" me while I was away. And my aggressiveness that night that I had tried to be intimate with him.

I'll admit, I was a little dumbfounded while "Shrek" was going on about this. Was he serious? My attempts to be caring and nurturing with him led him to believe that I was falling for him? Part of me wanted to shoot back at him the fact that if I was so "into" him, then why did I have sex with another man last night? But I didn't. I let him fumble his way through his break-up speech, and at the end, he asked me what I thought.

I said, "Actually, I've been wrestling with the very same thoughts, because I thought YOU were more into ME."

"Oh," he said, "Well, then - I guess I was wrong." I could hear the dismay in his voice, a strange combination of surprise, bewilderment, and relief all at the same time. We agreed that we'd be better off friends, promised that we'd still talk from time to time, and wished each other luck in finding love.

This break-up thing might be getting easier with time, you think?

Lesson Number Fifteen: It doesn't have to be a drama-filled struggle! You CAN walk away calm cool and collected, without hurt, rage, and dignity still intact.

Status: WANT to learn immediately!!!

Chapter 4: Moving On...

So my first Internet date was a bust. Well, that’s okay. Try, try again, right? I could see that I wasn’t going to get much action on eHarmony.com. No new matches had been found for me since I signed up. It occurred to me that Internet dating was so popular because you had such exposure to so many people across any given area. When I went out with my friends to the local places that we enjoyed to frequent, I realized very quickly that you end up seeing the same faces over and over again. There was no way that I was going to meet anyone new or exciting by remaining in the same network of people.

I was sitting at home one night, surfing around on Comcast’s On-Demand features, looking for a movie to watch, and I saw an option that said “Dating on Demand.” Huh? Dating on Demand? Oh, I had to check this out. And that’s exactly what it was! It was a collection of videos to a dating service. You didn’t get a whole lot of information about where each individual lived, but it kept directing me to the same website: HurryDate.com.

So I got online to check it out. HurryDate.com sponsors those Speed Dating events you hear about, where you get like 5 minutes with a person and then move to the next table. But you didn’t have to attend one of these events to sign up with them. You could create a profile and upload some pictures to meet people strictly from the site. Why not? I signed up. I listed all my “statistics” and then listed all the “stats” I’d prefer in a date. Let’s see what comes back. Considering the claim they had of their clientele, I didn’t receive back nearly as many matches as I thought I would… There were only about twelve. I looked over all of them, and there were two that struck my fancy. They had two ways to initiate contact. You could send an email to someone, or you could send a “virtual drink.” This was, of course, the quick way to point out to someone that you noticed him without the pressure of coming up with something witty and charming to say in an email. I sent a “drink” to the two men that struck my fancy. Neither one responded.

Then, I was contacted by “Horace.” He was blonde, pretty cute, and I was intrigued. We exchanged a few emails, and then graduated to the phone. It was a nice conversation. Not great, but not bad. He seemed a little dry, but we agreed to go out to dinner the following night. We met at Brio in Buckhead, Atlanta’s premier uptown area, so I was impressed with his choice. Dinner was a little awkward and there were lulls in the conversation, but overall it was nice. I hadn’t been mistaken, he definitely had a dry personality, but it wasn’t unbearable. After dinner, we did the after-date shuffle of, “What do we do next?” He wanted to come back to my house with me. I’m no fool. I knew what he wanted.

So now I was faced with a choice. I was over 30, not in high school anymore, and officially divorced. I didn’t have to say, “No, No, No,” anymore for fear of the bad-girl reputation I had in high school, right? This is 2005, and casual sex is quite common, if not accepted these days. The question was: did I want to have sex with THIS guy? I didn’t really feel any strong mental attraction to him, but I thought he was attractive. I knew that I would not have some great relationship with this man, regardless of what happened the rest of this evening. After being with no one but my ex-husband for the last seven years, part of me thought that I just needed to do it: Get that first one out of the way. It was against my better judgment, but I agreed, and he followed me home.

“Horace’s” finesse was less than stellar, to say the least. He made comments like, “This is a nice house, why don’t you show me the upstairs?” How classy. And I was still hesitating. It was all so contrived. Was this really how things went? Had I really been out of the loop this long? Did men really think it was okay to act like this? I even pointed out how cheesy it was that he kept making comments like, “Show me the bedroom,” but it didn’t make him stop doing it.

Alright, let’s skip to the punchline: We ended up in bed. And it was just AWFUL! I mean, it was really AWFUL! This man had no technique, no style, no stamina, and I swear that his idea of foreplay was, “Are you ready yet?” It lasted less than five minutes, but, I am an understanding woman, and these things happen. I was perfectly willing to allow him a Second Round to make a first impression. The second round was worst than the first. I couldn't get him out the door fast enough. When I finally DID get him out the door, he said, "I'll call you," and I said, "Sure," praying that I would never hear from him again. Thankfully, I did not.

I remember coming back inside and not sure how to define what I was feeling. Sort of a combination of embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. What a wasted notch on my belt! Was it just a "first time out" experience, and it didn't matter who it was, it would have been awful? Or was this guy truly just the most pathetic lover in Atlanta? Or, an even more chilling thought: Was this indicative of the standard of lovers there were out there? It scared me to think that I might actually regret getting a divorce.

Lesson Number Three: Be WAY more picky before you invite someone new into your bed, regardless of how cute he is.

Status: Learned. Learned WELL.