Chapter 13: This looks promising...

So, thankfully, "Manny" didn't try to call me again. Something tells me that Caller ID would have come in QUITE handy if he had. Maybe not. I try to pride myself on being honest and upfront in all cases. I suppose I would have told him that I didn't feel a connection the next time he called, and if he insisted on contacting me, then I would have to start avoiding him. Fortunately, I didn't have to find out how I would have handled it.

I'd been contacted by "Buzz" on Yahoo Personals. He was a self-admitted sci-fi geek, but he was really adorable. And he was smart. He may have been interested in role-playing games, but he wasn't all-consumed with it to the point that made him "weird." And he was too damn cute to be "geeky". :)

We exchanged a few emails, graduated to Instant Messenger, and I was becoming more intrigued with every conversation. Due to my own naivety, my inexperience in this adult-dating world, and, I suppose, my own lack of self-restraint, several of the Instant Message conversations got frisky. I'll admit it, I was getting ancy. While I had seemingly had plenty of dates, quite a few kisses, and even a little play mixed in, I had not actually been sexual with anyone except for that one disaster with “Horace” that was so awful. Here I've been officially back out in the dating world for over 3 months, and I haven't gotten any action yet? There HAD to be better out there, right?

We set up a dinner date, and I had every intention of having dinner with this guy and then taking him home with me. I had essentially let him know this in no uncertain terms as well. We met for dinner at the Macaroni Grill. Dinner was great. We seemed to have a good bit to talk about and the conversation flowed without any awkward silences. I was feeling a connection, and I was just weighing my options on how to act on them. The bill came and the first awkward silence came as the unspoken question of, "What do we do now?" floated between us. I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else, not sure if I should be so bold as to ask him back to my house.

He paused, took a deep breath, and smiled at me while telling me that he wanted to be honest in that he just wasn't feeling a connection between us. My first reaction was, "Well, shit..." But then I realized that I appreciated him being upfront more than he could know. He wasn't feeling it, and he let me know that. No promises of a phone call tomorrow, no avoiding, or ignoring, and no disappearing act. THIS is what adult dating should be like, shouldn't it? Honest, upfront, mature, and no games.

So I was rejected, but at the same time, given a new cause for hope that dating in my 30's might actually have some merit. I don't actually know why "Buzz" wasn't attracted to me. Maybe my laugh was too loud, maybe I was too heavy for him, maybe there was a piece of spinach stuck in my teeth all night. But you know what? it doesn't matter why. Because he told me with all honesty, I accepted it, and never thought twice about the fact that I never heard from him again. Way to go, Buzz!

Lesson Number Nine: Keep it casual, don't take rejection personally, and all will be well that ends well.

Status: Ehhhh... Only half-way learned.

Chapter 11: Redirection

So "Goofy" was really distracting my thoughts away from "Tramp". Since he was on the Force in the same city I worked in, I found myself scoping the streets everyday on my way in, or at lunch, or even on my way home if I got off early enough. I would see him most mornings, in that sexy uniform, on the side of the road having pulled someone over. (He wasn't a very forgiving cop.) Once or twice we saw each other on the road, or stopped at a red light next to each other and exchange some flirty smiles and chat.

A couple of phone calls later, but no second date. I'll admit, I tried prompting him to tell me if he wanted to see me again. He proceeded to tell me that he'd had a lot on his mind and admitted that he'd been offered a job opportunity in another city in another state VERY far away. He was sincere, and I believed him. While this wasn't an official "kiss-off" conversation, it was easy for me to read between the lines. It made me feel a little easier about letting it go knowing that his main reason for not pursuing me was that he didn't want to get tangled up in a love affair if he knew he was moving. At least, that's what I told myself.

Now that I was officially able to let "Goofy" go, it didn't take long before my thoughts wandered over to "Tramp" again. It occurred to me that I was probably attracted to "Goofy" because he took my mind off "Tramp", but then it also occurred to me that I was able to let Goofy go so easily because I had some closure with him. And I hate having to say that. It is the cheesiest girl-thing out there... this whole craze about "closure". Sometimes I just want to slap MYSELF upside the head and scream, "HEY, BOZO! NO ANSWER *IS* YOUR ANSWER!" But no, my irrationale kicks in and has to "hear" the words, hear the rejection, feel the finality of it. Not knowing or understanding why “Tramp” disappeared like he did was still consuming me from the inside out. The only thing that was going to help was to put some serious distance between me and the “Tramp.”

Hence I began a "First Date Feeding Frenzy."

Go back and read Lesson Number Six: Don't obsess. Move on.

Status: Still Oblivious