Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Chapter 8: Exactly at what point did I lose my spine?
So it should come as no surprise that I never heard from him again. Did I try to contact him? You bet your booty I did. I don't really believe I turned "stalker" on him or anything. First, I was pissed that he never contacted me to let me know whether or not he was coming with me to the party, and I let him know that. Then I just wanted to know what went wrong, and I tried asking him that, too. I would have to say that, over the course of the next two weeks, I probably called 2-3 times and sent 3-4 emails. Excessive? Yes. But psycho? Not hardly.
About three weeks after the night he came over, he did contact me. A simple email that just said "Hey, what are you doing?" as if nothing had ever happened. I responded playfully at first, then apparently I got a little too snippy for him when I asked him to what did I owe this honour, and he cut off all contact again.
Yes, I was crushed. I was beyond crushed. How could I have invested that much time and energy into one man, only to be completely snowed over by the fact that he was just looking for kicks on a Wednesday night? How could he have spent that much time on the phone with me, talking to me, opening up to me, getting to know me, only to run for the hills with no explanation at all? What could I have possibly said or done that left “Tramp” no choice but to disappear off the face of the Earth like that?
If any of you have ever watched "Sex and the City", you may recall an episode where Carrie's boyfriend assessed a first date that Miranda had been on by saying, "He's just not that into you." All of a sudden, it became so clear to Miranda. Guys don't send mixed messages, they don't analyze things, they don't manipulate actions or situations to predict the outcome. If a man is into a girl, he calls, he books the next date immediately, he shows that he's interested and he chases. And if he's not? No amount of overtures from the girl will change his mind. This simple phrase, "He's just not that into you," inspired a book, written by two of the writers of the show. I have read this book. There is a whole chapter on the "Disappearing Act." And Liz says it perfectly as to why this is so hard on a woman:
"Breakups are horrible. But what's even worse than a breakup is knowing that you weren't even worth a breakup."
Any woman will tell you that the QUICKEST way to turn the most laidback, easy -going woman into a complete nut job is to ignore her. Works on most guys, too, really. It's so incredibly cheesy to me, and I hate to even admit it, but it's absolutely true: We need CLOSURE. We don't WANT to leave loose ends hanging, with no idea what may or may not happen in the future. Will he come back? Should I let him? Is he angry about something? If it's a misunderstanding, I ought to be able to at least clear my name before he takes off, shouldn't I? If he doesn't have feelings for me, shouldn't he just TELL me that? Why do something SO CRUEL as to leave me in the dark, wondering? Why would anyone want to be SO CRUEL to another person?
Excessive? Obsessive? Grandiose? Good grief, yes it is. I HATE it when my mind starts spiraling like that. But I admit it, I've done it. With absolutely no input from the other person, my mind will just spiral into the craziest places and I just HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I'd much rather get that "closure" and just know that it's done, or know that it's just not the right time, or just know that the guy is an absolute prick, or just know ANYTHING! But no, men avoid conflict at all costs. It's much easier for them to just avoid the discussion that will probably cause her to cry, maybe even yell and scream, but guys, this one act will make it easier for us move on afterward. So nut up, go ahead and listen to the crying and take the insults and screaming that she throws at you, (admit it, you probably deserve some of it, if not all of it) and end things properly. It's a few minutes' worth of your time, compared to the weeks, or even months, of mental torture we go through when you pull the Disappearing Act.
Lesson Number Six: Don't obsess. Move on.
Status: Still Oblivious
About three weeks after the night he came over, he did contact me. A simple email that just said "Hey, what are you doing?" as if nothing had ever happened. I responded playfully at first, then apparently I got a little too snippy for him when I asked him to what did I owe this honour, and he cut off all contact again.
Yes, I was crushed. I was beyond crushed. How could I have invested that much time and energy into one man, only to be completely snowed over by the fact that he was just looking for kicks on a Wednesday night? How could he have spent that much time on the phone with me, talking to me, opening up to me, getting to know me, only to run for the hills with no explanation at all? What could I have possibly said or done that left “Tramp” no choice but to disappear off the face of the Earth like that?
If any of you have ever watched "Sex and the City", you may recall an episode where Carrie's boyfriend assessed a first date that Miranda had been on by saying, "He's just not that into you." All of a sudden, it became so clear to Miranda. Guys don't send mixed messages, they don't analyze things, they don't manipulate actions or situations to predict the outcome. If a man is into a girl, he calls, he books the next date immediately, he shows that he's interested and he chases. And if he's not? No amount of overtures from the girl will change his mind. This simple phrase, "He's just not that into you," inspired a book, written by two of the writers of the show. I have read this book. There is a whole chapter on the "Disappearing Act." And Liz says it perfectly as to why this is so hard on a woman:
"Breakups are horrible. But what's even worse than a breakup is knowing that you weren't even worth a breakup."
Any woman will tell you that the QUICKEST way to turn the most laidback, easy -going woman into a complete nut job is to ignore her. Works on most guys, too, really. It's so incredibly cheesy to me, and I hate to even admit it, but it's absolutely true: We need CLOSURE. We don't WANT to leave loose ends hanging, with no idea what may or may not happen in the future. Will he come back? Should I let him? Is he angry about something? If it's a misunderstanding, I ought to be able to at least clear my name before he takes off, shouldn't I? If he doesn't have feelings for me, shouldn't he just TELL me that? Why do something SO CRUEL as to leave me in the dark, wondering? Why would anyone want to be SO CRUEL to another person?
Excessive? Obsessive? Grandiose? Good grief, yes it is. I HATE it when my mind starts spiraling like that. But I admit it, I've done it. With absolutely no input from the other person, my mind will just spiral into the craziest places and I just HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I'd much rather get that "closure" and just know that it's done, or know that it's just not the right time, or just know that the guy is an absolute prick, or just know ANYTHING! But no, men avoid conflict at all costs. It's much easier for them to just avoid the discussion that will probably cause her to cry, maybe even yell and scream, but guys, this one act will make it easier for us move on afterward. So nut up, go ahead and listen to the crying and take the insults and screaming that she throws at you, (admit it, you probably deserve some of it, if not all of it) and end things properly. It's a few minutes' worth of your time, compared to the weeks, or even months, of mental torture we go through when you pull the Disappearing Act.
Lesson Number Six: Don't obsess. Move on.
Status: Still Oblivious
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there is nothing worse than the disappearing act! I love the movie Hes just not that into you! Sometimes the truth is cruel!
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